I became a widow in 2012. I was 27 years old and 7 months pregnant with our first child.  

It was a beautiful spring day that ended with me frantically running through the hospital trying to find my husband.  He didn't come home after work even though he texted me that he was on his way home. He wasn't answering his phone. I was searching for him. I eventually was led into a family conference room in the hospital.  A doctor  came in with his head held low. He uttered those piercing words that are forever ingrained in my head and heart, " your husband's heart stopped. His injuries were too severe for his body to handle. Your husband has died." 

I never understood misery until I was told that the love of my life was gone at the tender age of 27.  The shock of our love story tragically ending somewhere in our first chapter.  We were so hopeful for the future  and had so much living ahead of us to do together.   

During the summer of that year, I gave birth to our son Christopher.  Births are usually such a joyous occasion across all cultures all over the world.  Naturally, many thought I was happy again since I had a piece of Greg with me.  In reality, I tried to end my life the day my son was born.  This loss was just too great to bear.  I fell into a hellish out of control spiral once I came home from the hospital to a dark and empty house with this new, strange baby.  My new identity crashed harshly on my fragile state and torn body.  Single mom.  Only parent.  My husband is dead.  My baby's father is dead.  Postpartum Depression and Post Traumatic Stress hit me hard.  It was crippling.  The world was moving on and here I was, lost and feeling barely human.  Lost as an only parent.  Lost as a widow.  Lost from my existence as I knew it.  How could I live? No, never mind, I very much wished and planned to not make it through this.

I've struggled greatly through my grief journey and chances are, most will too.  It's not easy to sort through numbing pain, trying to make sense of a life taken too soon and still having to move forward with life at the same time.  Realizing that time didn't pause when my spouse's heart stopped beating, was one of the hardest things to withstand.

As time went on, I went through a state of not being able to breathe, to holding my breath through the trenches, to focus on breathing in and breathing out as I was living.  Finally,  reaching a point where I can experience moments that take my breath away. 

In 2017, I got remarried to my chapter two, Alex.  My son, Chris was 4 years old.  Our wedding day brought so much color back into the month of May for me.  Alex  brings so much love, laughter and adventure to my soul and loves my son as his own.  Alex messed up my plans to do this thing called life alone.  There is nothing easy about making a conscious effort to move forward after tremendous loss.  The only thing I could do was to follow my heart and let it expand to allow another great love in when I was ready to.  The chapter two in my story involves another great love.  The chapter two in everyone's life story should be whatever makes their soul feel alive and happy.  Chapter two will happen, once you allow it to.  Your life didn't end in the unfinished chapter too. There's still so much life to live!

In 2018, my now husband, Alex and I welcomed our baby boy Logan.  I thought that maybe Logan was never supposed to be here. Never be apart of my story.  But, he is very much here and greatly apart of my story.  It is wondrous how my story continues. I am not done yet. 

My blog series, The Unfinished Chapter is to serve as a resource to the young widowed community.  My blogs feature helpful tools no matter where in the grief journey you are or how you tragically lost your spouse.  I have exposed the rawness of my grief through select writing pieces throughout my blogs.  I have used blurbs from journal  entries that I wrote throughout my grief journey and these helped guide my blog entries and the flow of my grief journey.

I hope these blogs will help bring validity to your own grief rawness and journey.  My goal is that anyone who has been in my shoes, does not feel alone or feels like the only option is to give up.  I've been there and I will do everything I can to help those who get to that point too.  I hope that there is something that you will see or read in my blogs that will bring some comfort to you on your best days and even during your worst.  Whether you are newly widowed, going through the motions of the grief journey or are content in the way that you are rebuilding your life.  I hope the Unfinished Chapter will be a valuable and comforting resources for you.

 Xoxo,

Beth