I have it down to a system, a mechanical system of living.  Wake, work, eat, sleep, repeat.  

 Raising my child(ren) all on my own. I'm the ONLY parent.  

 I am the poor soul who everyone feels sorry for but also who everyone avoids like the plague.  

I am hurting and I am different. I'm okay with that.

I am literally smothering everyone and everything connected to my late spouse.  

 I need to physically get this pain out. Lace my running sneakers, put on my boxing gloves, add more weight to the bar.